Hi … and welcome to my first blog.

I’m not going to lie. The past couple of days I’ve thought long and hard about blogging. And honestly, I’m kind of at a loss. I really have nothing insightful to offer – no deep observations about the meaning of life … or the meaning of anything, really. To be deep and insightful takes too much focus and as many of you know, I’m really kind of eccentric. And excitable. And distracted by shiny things. So when I sit down and think about what to write, all that comes to mind are observations about what I see around me and stream-of-consciousness stories that really have no purpose.

And that’s when it hit me! How do our thoughts lead us from one place to the other? How do we get from Point A to Point R? (I never make it to Point Z). Usually, the route is circuitous and makes no sense to anyone except for us – which is why… get ready for it … I’m going to blog about how we/I start out in one place and end up in another! Mind-mapping. That’s my theme!

So, for this maiden blog voyage, I’m going to share how I figured out the real reason why I can’t sleep at night – global warming.

It all begins with the horrible Canada Goose. Now, for those of you who know me, you know that I have an ongoing hatred of Canada Geese. There are far too many reasons to list here why we should hate these birds. (But I’ll list a few). They snap at runners who are minding their own business, they’re scary with their big wings and they poop more than any critter on the planet. They’re like poop machines. And it’s weird-looking poop – not that poop generally, if you really think about it, ISN’T weird-looking. It IS. But I digress. What it comes down to is that I hate the geese. But there is a person in our neighborhood who LOVES them. A lot. In a way that rivals my obsession with Barbra Streisand.

So, this neighbor feeds them. Each morning, the geese march on their creepy goose feet to the place in her back yard where trays of corn and feed are laid out like a buffet. (It’s kind of like that scene from City of Angels where Nicholas Cage and all other the angels gather on the shore and face the sun as it rises over the ocean.)  Anyway, every morning, they all march mechanically to the feast. And so do the squirrels and mice and bunnies – which is fine. I love bunnies as much as the next person. But the problem is all these critters hang out near this food. And why wouldn’t they? I mean, if I were a bunny, I’d hang out there, too.

Enter the coyotes.

In the past few months, there are two coyotes that roam the neighborhood at night. I think it’s a mother and a son – or maybe a mother and a daughter (I haven’t lifted their tails to check). But there are two of them. And they, too, have discovered the buffet. But for them, it’s not the feed they’re interested in. They’re all about the cute, little, unsuspecting creatures that scavenge the remnants of the goose food.

So, what do they coyotes have to do with anything? Well, they urinate. And they howl and yelp in excitement when they make a kill – which causes Toby (our poor emasculated dog) to bark and pace and whine to make sure that the coyotes know that he’s there, that they’re on his property and if his scaredy-cat owners would just let him out, he would rip them to shreds in like … a second. And THIS barking and whining and growling is what keeps me up at night.

Let me be clear, I don’t blame Toby – he’s just doing his job. And I don’t blame the coyotes. They’re just being coyotes and hey, they’ve got to eat, right? And as much as I want to blame the Canada Geese, I can’t because they’re just taking advantage of the buffet. And the neighbor … well, we won’t even go there. The blame lies with global warming because if it were as cold as it were supposed to be, those stupid poop-filled Canada geese would be further south in the winter.

So, I will wrap this up with the lesson that we all need to take from this:  Stop global warming so I can get some sleep at night.

Thank you for your attention in this matter. Moran … out.